Do You Know Your Body Type?

I understand that it’s out of the ordinary to take advice from a site called Milk & Weed but this is what we’re here to do. We want to provide you with the information you won’t get from that shady guy who wants you to but the protein powder he made in his living room:

I like to exercise with heavy weights and I despise any long-form of cardio. I don’t like trotting, jogging, or running unless I am playing a sport; there isn’t a legit reason that would explain why I dread the days that I have to include cardio in my regimen. You see, I have learned that my body type implores me to stop the whining, skip sugar, and start doing cardio between my sets of heavy weight lifting. If you’re not doing it in a manly manner then you really should just stop, put on an apron, and make some killer eggplant pizzas.

Here we are, America. Another article writing about losing weight and how you can change everything tomorrow. It gets repetitive doesn’t it? You know everything about losing weight because you watch Dr. Oz. You just haven’t made any time to actually buy all the products that Dr. Oz plugs in his show, right? Guess what, America, stop blaming your problems on the lack of time and your “thyroid” issue. I am here to help you gain a little bit of knowledge about the sexy body you’re hiding. Yes, there is a sexy body underneath all that adipose tissue. Way down… deeper… keep going… Look, just read this and you’ll see that I am not kidding.

The human race has evolved from a very diverse ecosystem. It is because of this diversity that we are not all created equal. Really, all that nonsense you hear at school is a lie. Your teachers are liars; they lie for the paycheck, too. No meth head is my equal, Mr. Escobedo. Well, the difference I’m talking about right now has nothing to do with ethics and everything to do with the different requirements each of our body types need, so lets take a look at each of them:



The downsides of being an ectomorph is that you are fragile. Yes, you can add muscle to your frame and you will end up attracting the gaze of some attractive middle-aged divorcee with control issues. Hey, get what you can get. Some women do like men who a lanky and skinny. There is something that I envy about ectomorphs and that is the lack of cardio for your routine. You don’t really need it; you’re already skinnym, anyway. Yeah, you might have a hard time adding mass to your frame but you’ll have the energy do to so because you don’t have to spend and extra 50 minutes on the stair master… How do you know if you’re an ectomoph? Ask yourself if you could be cast as a heroin addict or as an extra for a holocaust film. If the answer is, yes… All kidding aside, you can gain muscle–it’ll just be harder. You need to realize that the chances of your muscles getting to gigantic levels are slim but you can still get enough muscles that other men won’t laugh at you. Bruce Lee was an ectomorph.


You can call them mesomorphs or you can call them what they truly are — privileged. It is just like white privilege in that it is something you have no control over; you are given a good slice of the pie at birth. Basically, mesomorphs can do almost whatever they want. Almost. See, if you eat too much then you will eventually turn to putty. Your metabolism isn’t going to want to continue to be an enabler to your laziness. How do you know if you’re a mesomorph? If you have broad shoulders and a slim waist that creates that “V” shape then you are an asshole. Kidding. You’re a mesomorph. This doesn’t mean that you completely ignore fitness because, remember, we are trying to reach close to our full potential before we get murked. I can’t even say much more on mesomorphs other than that you need to realize your full potential. Are you really going to let this guy have all the girls?


Now we come to my category and probably the most manly of the bunch. You will be classified as a endomorph if you could describe yourself as stocky. You have the broad shoulders women love and the thick waist they can’t wrap their arms around. I take certain happiness in knowing that I can’t share my pants with my wife. An endomorph MUST include cardiovascular routines during their exercises. This is because our bodies like to hold onto extra fat. Our bodies tend to show muscle progressionD rapidly but can show the same progression of fat. We can’t allow ourselves to live lethargically because we tend to have a harder time losing weight, we can’t be that lazy. Yes, I am talking to myself here.


Now that you sort of know that people come with different body types, you can plan accordingly. We can do this together, guys. It’s a group effort so we all can bring forth those sexy motherfuckers that are hidden under our thick areas. For all I know, I could actually be a mesomorph after all this fat melts away. Good thing we’re on this journey together.

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